Tell children the truth in words that fit their age: their family member has an illness called addiction, it isn’t their fault, and they can’t fix it. Then keep their days as normal as you can and make sure they have a trusted adult to talk to. Expect to have this talk many times.
Children notice slammed doors and whispered phone calls even when no one explains them, and silence leaves them to fill in the gaps on their own. About 1 in 8 U.S. children aged 17 or younger lived with at least one parent who had a substance use disorder in the past year, according to SAMHSA survey data from 2009 to 2014, and those children are more likely to struggle at school, with friends and at home.1
What every child needs to hear
Children often blame themselves for things they can’t control.2 Say the first list out loud, more than once. Sort out the second before you sit down.
Before you talk: what to have ready
- Messages every child should hear
- Have ready before you start
When a child asks why the person doesn’t just stop, “Addiction changes the brain, so stopping is hard” is enough for most kids.
Explaining it at different ages
Match the detail to the child’s age and let their questions lead.
| Age | What they can take in | Words you might use |
|---|---|---|
| Under 6 | Short, concrete facts and lots of reassurance | “Daddy is sick. When he drinks alcohol, he acts different. I’ll always take care of you.” |
| 6 to 11 | That addiction is an illness, and simple facts about treatment | “Mom has an illness called addiction. She’s going to a place where doctors help her. You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it.” |
| 12 to 17 | Honest detail, their own risk, and a say in plans | “Your brother has a drug problem. He’s getting treatment. I’ll keep you posted, and I want to hear what you think.” |
Use real words. “Alcohol” and “drugs” are less frightening than a mystery, and labels like “addict” or “drunk” don’t help. And don’t hand a child an adult’s job: counting drinks, checking on a parent at night or keeping the problem secret from safe adults.
When a parent is drunk, in rehab or relapses
In the moment, one calm, honest sentence beats a long explanation.
What to say instead
“Daddy’s just tired.” (when he’s clearly intoxicated)
“Daddy has been drinking, and it’s making him act differently. You’re safe. Let’s go read in your room.”
“Mommy went on a trip.” (when she’s in treatment)
“Mommy is getting help for her addiction at a place with doctors and counselors. She loves you. I’ll tell you when we know when she’s coming home.”
“Everything’s fine now.” (after a relapse)
“Your brother used again. That can happen with this illness. He’s getting more help.”
“Of course he’s not going to die.”
“I can’t promise, but he has people helping him, and so do you. What worries you most?”
Signs a child is struggling
A child who seems fine may still be having a hard time, so keep checking in. SAMHSA lists these common signs of traumatic stress in children:2
- Preschool: fear of being apart from you, nightmares, crying or screaming a lot, poor appetite.
- Elementary school: anxiety, guilt, shame, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, pulling away, aggression.
- Middle and high school: depression, self-harm, substance use, pulling away, risky behavior, aggression.
Not every child develops traumatic stress, and with support many recover. If signs last or get worse, ask a pediatrician, family doctor or school counselor for a mental health referral.2
Two house rules: don’t leave children in the care of someone who is intoxicated; if you’re worried about a child’s safety, a pediatrician or local child protective services can advise you. And lock up medications, including treatment medication. SAMHSA advises storing buprenorphine where children and pets can’t get to it.7
Will my child develop a problem too?
Their risk is higher, but it isn’t destiny. NIAAA lists family history as a risk factor for alcohol problems, shaped by both genes and environment, including parents’ drinking. Drinking at an early age raises the risk as well.9 With teens, SAMHSA advises honest answers and real reasons, such as alcohol’s effects on a growing brain.6 You might say: “Addiction runs in some families, including ours. That doesn’t mean it will happen to you, but it means waiting matters more for you.” If a teen is already using, see treatment options for teens.
Where kids can get support of their own
SAMHSA encourages children and teens affected by a family member’s drinking or drug use to talk with a health care provider, a school counselor or a support group.3 Alateen, part of Al-Anon Family Groups, is for teens affected by someone’s drinking; NIAAA lists it as a resource.8 If stress signs don’t fade, a children’s therapist can help; trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy is one well-studied option.2 SAMHSA also notes that family therapy or counseling can improve treatment effectiveness by supporting the whole family.4
For referrals to local services, SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, is free, confidential and open 24/7.5 Support for you and your kids can start this week, even if your loved one isn’t in treatment.
Frequently asked questions
What if my partner doesn't want the kids told?
Try to agree on a few shared sentences, so children hear one story. You can protect privacy without lying: “Dad is sick and getting help” is honest and limited. If you can’t agree, a family therapist can help.
Should I let my children see the parent while they're using?
Many families allow visits only when the parent is sober and another safe adult is nearby. Any custody or court order must be followed. Explain changes simply: “Today isn’t a good day for a visit. That’s not about you.”
Should I tell my child's school?
A short version often helps, because a teacher or counselor can watch for changes and be a safe person during the day. Share only what’s needed, and tell your child who knows.
Sources
- SAMHSA, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality — Children Living with Parents Who Have a Substance Use Disorder (NSDUH Short Report, 2017; 2009–2014 data). samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/report_3223/ShortReport-3223.html — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA — Child Trauma (updated March 2026). samhsa.gov/mental-health/trauma-violence/child-trauma — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA — Mental Health, Drug, or Alcohol Issues: Helping Your Child (updated August 2024). samhsa.gov/find-support/helping-someone/helping-your-child — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA — Helping Families Cope with Mental Health and Substance Use Disorders (updated August 2026). samhsa.gov/mental-health/children-and-families/coping-resources — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA — National Helpline. samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA, Talk. They Hear You. — Answering Your Child's Questions About Underage Drinking (updated November 2024). samhsa.gov/substance-use/prevention/talk-they-hear-you/parent-resource… — accessed Oct 2026
- SAMHSA — Buprenorphine (updated April 2026). samhsa.gov/substance-use/treatment/options/buprenorphine — accessed Oct 2026
- NIAAA — Get the Facts About Underage Drinking (updated January 2026). niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/underage-drinking — accessed Oct 2026
- NIAAA — Understanding Alcohol Use Disorder (updated January 2025). niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alc… — accessed Oct 2026